I am 32. I met my abuser almost twelve years ago. It started off as him following me around. Literally; an obsession- I was stalked. At the library, on the bus, outside the bookstore. I was 20 then. I had low self-esteem issues, but believe me when I say I hadn’t seen hell yet – it would get much worse. I had a history of self-injury and severe suicide attempts and I had been sexually abused as a child.

I was moving into my first apartment. It started with subtle controlling behaviors, some put downs and my first consensual intercourse would later become yet another form of blackmail and control. I hate revisiting this place because I have had a collection of restraining orders and he’s finally starting to see consequences for his actions.

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I was evicted four times and I didn’t know my rights. He called me names, used me, I lost my Dad, and he started physically abusing me. He kept blowing up even when I hadn’t provoked it. Or he would get mad at me after he insulted me and told me I’m worthless and would blow up; it would result in tears. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I believed an onslaught of lies.

There were several punched holes in the walls. There was name calling and constant harassment to commit suicide and end my life and then he would switch up the game and say “you know the sad thing is I really do love you but you think I’m an abuser and you got me falsely arrested” –  in actuality he repeatedly violated abuse prevention orders, proposed when I had them, and I  still have an active one now. I was shoved and spat on, slapped with blows to the face and yet… I did not call the police. I became subservient. [quote_box_center] I did NOT call the police and I would cover for him and clean up his messes.[/quote_box_center]

I owe several thousand pornographic movies he ordered on my TV to the point where I can no longer get cable. Part of me says I dug myself in this hole and the reality is I could have been dead. By the age of 21 he became an alcoholic and an addict. He will be 27 in less than 2 months. I don’t care revisiting  the darkest places, the threats and demeaning, scary text messages that he would blow up my phone at all hours. He would constantly take everything I had in cash but it was never enough – I wasn’t enough. There was no love. He was checking  my phone, my emails, my Facebook account and who I was talking to.

nature-hd-beauty-flowers-asiatic-street-sad-eyes-theme-girls-597535If he could get anything out of it, he would. I became I mark, I was prostituted in order to get him money and I felt so ashamed and humiliated. Although I refrained from drugs and alcohol it did not stop him from breaking the law and confiding his lies and crimes in me. He’s a heroin addict, crack and cocaine addict, addicted to pills and booze. He was willing to forfeit my life to get his high.

It came to a crashing end after he swung a knife at a police officer during the summer of 2013 while I had an active restraining order against him. I still do. It grew worse; he was arrested twice this past winter but was released with open cases from jail on September 19th of this year. His probation was terminated after he repeatedly violated the protection order.

I almost fell into a trap yet again that would’ve cost me my life. It’s over, and he will be having further consequences for his actions. I am moving and all my personal information will become private.

I will never forget…. It was hell on earth and he made me believe I deserved no better. But I move on, not only with a heavy heart but with grace and compassion also.

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